So I went to Panera Bread for lunch a couple days ago. Nothing exciting about that at all right? I even had lunch alone. How much more boring could I be, right? People may think that sounds pretty lonely, but there’s a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. Being lonely is when you are alone and you actually WANT to have someone there with you. I actually enjoy having lunch alone sometimes. It’s calming to be alone with my own thoughts.
That is, until the girl at the table next to me is talking so loud on her cell phone that I can hear all the details about her best friend’s uterus infection. Nothing calming about that at all. Definitely not comforting to have that visual pop into my head while I’m eating white cheddar mac & cheese. What’s up with these people? I’m often told that I’m too soft spoken at times, but maybe that’s just out of fear of being one of those people who talks so loud that everyone under the same roof as them becomes apart of their not-so-private conversation.
Maybe it’s just me, but when I’m talking to someone, I like my volume set at an appropriate level where only they can hear me and no one else can. Even if it’s not such a private conversation as my best friend seeking medical attention because her insides are rotting out, I still think it’s a common courtesy to everyone else to not force them to listen to your chat because you’re too loud to even tune out. Yea I could’ve put some headphones on if it really bothered me that much, but that’s neither here nor there.
But that wasn’t even the most interesting part of this solo lunch date. I posted a Facebook status commenting on the incredibly jacked dude working behind the counter at my local Panera. I’d noticed him there a few times before, but I thought it’d be funny to ask my friends and followers if they’d seen him before too. And they had! I mean, he’s pretty hard to miss. Dude is like 6’4″ and the only way to accurately describe him is if the Incredible Hulk was black and had to get a job making sandwiches.
So I’m chuckling it up with my friends about how this dude is too swole to be making paninis for a living and then something incredible happens! Someone TAGS the guy on the post! A mutual friend is like “oh hey, that’s my boy So-and-So” and in slow motion I’m like “nooooooooooooo!” Everything comes to a screeching halt because I’m imaging him throwing a ceaser salad in my face next time I go to dine at his workplace and I can’t beat him because like I said, he’s the black Incredible Hulk.
So needless to say, I’m taking suggestions for new places to go eat lunch alone and listen to chats about uterus infections! Kidding! That Frontega Chicken Panini is worth an ass kicking so I’ll take my chances at Panera. I honestly don’t believe the dude would be mad at me anyway. It was all in good fun. I’ve said much worse about other people and lived to tell the tale. I guess it comes with the territory of being the “funny-man”. Like our mutual friend said, he might even give me a discount for complimenting his physique (no-homo). So if you somehow managed to get this this blog and you read all the way to the end, hook a brotha up Black Panera-Hulk!
This weekend I’ll be at the Syracuse Funny Bone from Thursday 1/29 – Saturday 1/31 opening for John Heffron, winner of NBC’s Last Comic Standing Season 2. Hit up http://www.syracusefunnybone.com for tickets!